What is Attachment?

Attachment is a social, biological, and psychological need that all human beings have in common. There is a need to feel secure, safe, and connected with others, and when a person's sense of connection to and belonging with others is disrupted, it affects the person as a whole. 

Growing up, attachment is critical to survival because we need someone to provide food and safety for us. As babies and children, we were unable to provide for ourselves. Not only is this seen in the human world, but we also see this in the animal world. Every mammal needs some form of parental care in order to survive. Simply put, we are wired to need others, and connection is foundational for getting our needs met.

As we grow up, we're able to live independently, provide food for ourselves, and take care of our basic needs, but as social beings, we have deeper psychological needs to be a part of community, have a sense of belonging, and to matter. We have a need to be closely connected with others. Emotional needs such as love, affection, comfort, and validation also come from having close relationships with others. Relationships help provide ways to process our emotions and feel emotionally safe and supported.

Humans prioritize closeness with others and attachment because it tends to increase the chances of survival, learning, emotion regulation, and healthy development. Because closeness with others and needs being met are so closely connected, when needs aren't fully met, it can have a long term impact on how we show up within those relationships.  Our brain learns that closeness with others isn't always safe, and when certain needs aren't met, we try to find other ways of having those needs met or try to cope with our environment, which sometimes happens in an unhealthy way.

How Attachment Patterns are Formed

Attachment wounds are most often formed from repeated experiences someone has had, and they are often the result of how a person has learned to cope with relational stress. They develop during childhood when certain emotional needs weren't consistently met. For example, if a child feels overwhelmed by a parent, they may "learn" to cope or adapt by withdrawing or isolating. Repeatedly isolating begins to feel more comfortable than connecting, which has a long term impact on how someone responds to uncertainty or overwhelm in the future. As you grow into adulthood, many of the ways you coped as a child still show up in your life today.

Our earliest relationships and environment growing up lay the foundation for how we understand ourselves, others, and the world. Even if it was unintentional or they didn't know better, parents or caregivers may not have always recognized a child's emotional needs. Despite the best intentions, if a child's emotional needs are not consistently or repeatedly met, a child is left feeling emotionally unsafe and alone. When you experience repeated moments of a parent being emotionally unavailable, inconsistent in their responses, feeling like you can't talk to them about certain things, feeling criticism, or them being unpredictable, this impacts how a child learns they must act within relationships. These are common experiences in childhood emotional neglect. A child feeling emotionally unsafe carries over into other types of relationships and into adulthood.

Often people gravitate towards others whose emotional patterns feel familiar. This is how people feel stuck in invisible cycles and aren't sure what they're doing to keep themselves in that cycle. It doesn't mean that the pattern is something they want to repeat, but they're finding themselves in an invisible cycle. That doesn't always mean the relationship or friendship isn't worthwhile to keep, as healthy relationships are able to grow with you and respond to your growth in a healthy way, but it does mean there is a cycle or relational pattern worth healing. 

In the case of trauma, sometimes when people feel accustomed to living in an environment where they are "activated" and triggered frequently, that constant "activation" from a partner or environment feels more comfortable than being in a calm environment or relationship. Logically they may not want a relationship or environment that is constantly activating their trauma, but their nervous system finds it more familiar and therefore easier to deal with than a calm environment. It feels safer to be in a space they know how to cope with and handle.

What Attachment Wounds Look Like

The relational environments someone experienced, including school, home, the neighborhood, or other important spaces, are important for a person's social and self development. As discussed, negative experiences can impact their sense of security within relationships and can impact decisions they make. 

People with attachment wounds are impacted by their early relationships in many ways. Attachment wounds can take the form of feeling overly dependent on someone, sensitivity to rejection, avoiding certain types of relationships, pulling away when things feel vulnerable, wanting reassurance, overthinking, and difficulty setting boundaries. These are just a few examples and the list could go on and on. It can be boiled down to feeling emotionally unsafe within relationships.

Attachment researchers have found that there are 4 basic types of attachment patterns: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Most people have some percentage of all the attachment styles, and different types of relationships can bring out different styles. 

Secure attachment looks like: trusting others, forming healthy boundaries, sharing your needs and emotions with others, feeling comfortable asking for help and giving help, and feeling secure within healthy conflict.

Anxious attachment looks like: wanting reassurance, questioning yourself, thinking about conversations after they are over, overthinking how you'll respond to a text, focusing on other's needs, and not feeling truly secure within your relationships. 

Avoidant attachment looks like: having a hard time asking for help, pulling away when a relationship starts to feel too close, self reliance, or downplaying your needs or emotions.

Disorganized attachment looks like: anticipating abandonment or betrayal, fearing closeness but also wanting it, push-pull dynamics, having a hard time trusting people, difficulty regulating emotions, and isolating yourself.

Therapy for Attachment Wounds

Therapy can play such an important role in healing unresolved relational wounds. When you feel comfortable and emotionally safe with your therapist, it opens the door to working on things on a deeper level. Your comfort within therapy is important, and we take things one step and a time. At a pace that feels comfortable, we gently explore some of the patterns you find yourself in. We unpack things at a steady pace and support your healing.

There are several types of therapy that heal attachment wounds.

Integrative therapy draws from of several different types of therapy and is often used when someone comes into therapy for attachment-related wounds. I use techniques from AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy), parts work, and various other modalities to help people feel more relationally secure. However, the main therapy that is applied for complex relational wounds is attachment-informed EMDR.  

EMDR for Attachment Wounds

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a powerful therapy that allows people to work though underlying emotional or relational wounds so they can feel more confident, grounded, and self-assured. EMDR is different than traditional talk therapy because it works through issues on a deeper level. We identify the ways your mind and body hold onto past wounds, target negative thoughts holding you back, stress held in the body, and any other patterns that occur when a wound is triggered. We work together at your pace to heal relational wounds and to integrate healthier thoughts about yourself. 

While many people think of EMDR being used to help combat veterans, victims of natural disasters, and other event-based traumas, EMDR has since been adapted to heal anxiety, self esteem, and attachment and relational patterns. Finding a therapist who is trained on complex and attachment-related issues is important, as attachment-informed EMDR is highly effective for attachment wounds.

Begin Therapy

You're not alone in your struggles. Many people struggle to feel secure in their relationships, whether its partners, friendships, or family relationships. Having a safe and trusting therapy relationship is the best place to start. We work together to restore your confidence and feel secure in relationships outside of therapy. Your experiences from your upbringing don't have to define you or your future.

At Present Way Counseling, I offer online attachment-informed EMDR and integrative therapy to adults accross Georgia. Please reach out for a free consultation to see if we are a good fit. 

Taking the next step forward can be hard, but healing is possible.